HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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