Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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