the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
