I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have tasted many bathrooms
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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