Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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