Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
