Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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