your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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