No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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