I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
