Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
