Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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