I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My sheets look like a crime scene.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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