six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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