I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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