I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
