New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
