YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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