Buhtt sex?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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