So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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