I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
