I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize