He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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