I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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