Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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