I CAN MOONWALK!
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
