I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Ketchup is God's man juice
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
