I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
