I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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