I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I still have a little drunk in my system
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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