So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
