I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
