i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
