Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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