The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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