Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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