She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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