I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
