When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
