last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
