he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Come on in and take your pants off
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