I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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