I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
