I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
