you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
