So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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