At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
