I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
