When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
