hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize