i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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