11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
