just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
