Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize