I accidentally had phone sex last night
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
