Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
