Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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