how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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