my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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