I hate all girls vehemently.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
