Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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