tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
