I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
