I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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