Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
