It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
