That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
