I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
